Saying Goodbye to Baby PeachPit...
Sunday, August 8, 2010 at 8:07PM 
First, I want to say thank you for all of your love and support over the last couple of weeks. Across an ocean and many time zones, we have felt so cared for and thought of. Grateful is the word that comes to mind over and over when I think about you. We are so blessed.
It is a bit difficult to describe what it is like to be pregnant. There is a rich hope and expectation that is quite unlike anything I have ever experienced. There is also a sense of responsibility, an awareness that your body is growing another human being. Even in such a short time, it called forth this nurturing warmth in me that felt so natural and beautiful. It is a bit like having a secret...the best kind of secret...shared between you and a little being who does not yet know you but relies on you for its well-being. Wow. Incredible.
Even in the midst of the pain, loss and disappointment, I have found myself thanking God for the gift of being pregnant. Sometimes I can't get my mind around the fact that He designed me to carry life in this way.
And so, just like pregnancy is difficult to describe, so is losing a baby. For me, it has felt like a sudden emptiness. As my womb emptied, it created an expanse in my heart where love and hope and anticipation had been woven together. There will not be another first pregnancy. That has come and gone with many wonderful memories and quite a few tears.
I know God is my Healer. I have experienced Him this way many times before. I will again. I trust Him and share my heart with Him completely. He is able to speak truth and life to me like no human being can. He listens to my anger and hurt. He KNOWS me. I love that about Him.
So as I walk through these weeks, however long the process takes, I wanted to share a few thoughts I have in the midst of still processing:
- I will always remember PeachPit as my baby who craved ketchup. That is the one "food" that consistently sounded good in the early days.
- I believe that there will be other babies. My grieving heart cries, "But I wanted to hold and love and know THIS one."
- I loved watching Jacob so excited to be a dad. He would talk with PeachPit and took so many steps to make sure I was taken care of and that we were preparing well. I am so blessed by him.
- Seeing pregnant women, babies or even young families creates such a bittersweet ache of longing in my heart. Painful but I want to be a woman who rejoices with those who rejoice and mourns with those who mourns. I need God's help for this...
- Sometimes I feel like I failed my baby and my husband or that my body is broken. I know this is not truth but it likes to creep in. Prayer helps replace its lie with reality.
- I miss being pregnant. I miss PeachPit...a lot. At the same time, I have moments (amazingly) where I feel excited about being pregnant again one day. I call this HOPE. =)
So welcome to my head and heart. Hopefully it wasn't too personal. Thanks for listening and sharing this journey. If I could, I would give each of you a big hug and say thank you in person for being you.
With love and joy,
Noelle
Reader Comments (12)
Standing alongside you as you walk out this road of grieving and hope. Know that I'm praying for you and for those future babies of yours :) Peach Pit is so sweet and will always be. Love you all.
Thank you for being vulnerable about all you are experiencing! We are saddened by your loss, but expectant about the future. You're loved from miles and miles away.
Noelle thank you so much for sharing your heart!
I am grateful to have such an incredible sister like you :) love you.
You will be a rejoicer because that is who you are! We will continue to pray that Hope grows as healing comes.
Thank you for sharing your experience, Noelle. I will be praying.
Noelle, thank you for sharing your heart and your process. I am encouraged by your process and how you cling to the Lord even in the midst of something so hard. I wish I could reach across the ocean and give you a giant hug. love you!
You are loved, Jacob and Noelle.
I would have expected nothing less of you to share your personal thoughts, emotions, and vulnerableness with all who care about you and love you! Peach Pit will have a special place in all of our hearts, as we all were looking forward to watching this child thrive and grow with such loving parents. I share your emptiness, but also have much faith that God will bless you with a perfect pregnancy in the future. You and Jacob are loved so much!
Love you..thank you for sharing. Still praying for you, your picture is on my fridge and the first thing I see as I reach for my coffee in the morning. Also, yours is usually the first "tweet" I get of the day, so I have multiple opportunities to lift you up in the morning. It may not make a lot of sense (in my half awake/need coffee state) but I know God understands. :O)
Loved reading this. Still thinking of you and praying for you! I can't wait to be pregnant again together!
noelle, you radiate peace even ocean. we all love hearing your heart & your journey to peace, hope, and unrelenting trust. you are missed just as much as you are loved! (that's alot.)
*even an ocean away. oops!