Here are a few things we have discovered so far.

Caleb loves:

People  

Noise (His best naps are in busy restaurants, at Sak Saum sales, and during church.)

Tuk-Tuks (Our version of the car ride, he falls asleep every time.)

Bouncing (A little something Daddy is quite good at.)

Eating

Bathtime

Kicking

His hands (He always has them near his face...a habit from the womb?)

Staring (He is a very alert baby and wants to be able to see.)

Caleb does not love:

Shots

Dirty Diapers

Mosquitoes

Naps in quiet places

We wish you all could meet Caleb in person but this will have to do for now. Enjoy the video!

Bangkok - the view from our apartment.

Well here we are. Bangkok. We arrived earlier this week and after settling into our short-stay apartment, touring the hospital and connecting with our doctor, we began the waiting game. And it turns out that the waiting game isn't all that fun or exciting. When will Caleb come? We don't know! Within the next 3 weeks we will have a baby but we aren't sure the day or time.

It has surprised me a bit at how difficult this time has been. I can safely say that having a baby in a country where no one knows who you are is not my favorite. I have felt so incredibly vulnerable, lonely and homesick. Last night I was ready to get on a plane and head back to Cambodia. I miss Cambodia. Leaving felt like leaving half my heart behind. 

People have said, "Enjoy this time. Rest, read and relax." I want to but there has been a restlessness in my spirit due in part to the anticipation of what's ahead and, in part, to the unknown of it all. Yet last night as I tossed and turned in my bed, I felt the Lord counsel me to be a good steward of this time. There are gifts and lessons to be had in it if I can quiet my spirit long enough to hear. And then this Scripture dropped into my heart:

Isaiah 30: 15 - This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel says, "In repentance and rest is your salvation. In quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it."

So this morning I was up early. And as I read the entire chapter of Isaiah 30, conviction entered in. This entire section of Scripture is about finding help and refuge only in God. The Israelites were constantly running off to Egypt and Pharoah looking for security, trying to self-protect rather than rest in HIS protection. At one point God says, "Because you have rejected this message, relied on oppression and depended on deceit, this sin will become for you like a high wall...that collapses in an instant." Yikes! Oppression, deceit, sin...all leading to instability and insecurity.

If you have walked through any measure of significant heartache in life (and most of us have), you likely know how easy it is to build the high wall. It is not natural in our flesh to trust what our eyes cannot see and lean into what cannot be felt with the hands, only with our spirit. It can be terrifying to open wide and lean, trusting God's hand to hold you.

And yet that is what God requires. Yes requires. He is a jealous God and He requires total dependency...total wholeheartedness. 

Caleb's name means wholehearted.

How interesting that God would be stripping me of my personal Egypts and Pharoahs during this final preparation for his birth. My security is not in Jacob, it is not in Cambodia, it is not in this baby or a dear little boy, it is not in family or friends, it is not in things and money...it is God. Wholehearted, no plan B, no other option or source -- God alone.

My prayer this morning? God, I repent. Birth wholehearted trust, wholehearted dependency, wholehearted faith, wholehearted lack of control, wholehearted rest...Accomplish in my spirit what I cannot do in my own flesh. And help me choose THIS way over my own every day.

Pack n' Play with bassinet and changing table...

I thought it would be fun to give you a glimpse into the preparations we have made.

Medical Care? My doctor is from the Philippines. Jacob calls her a little ball of filipino goodness. We have felt very comfortable with her -- she takes a thorough but overall low maintenance approach to having a baby. Her philosophy? Women have been having babies for a long time and our bodies know what to do. I like that. I usually take a tuk tuk to my doctors appointments...that's pretty cool!

Preparing for Baby? We quickly realized that we would need to let go of some of our mental pictures of preparing for a newborn. We decided that Caleb will room with us which ruled out a nursery. Instead of a crib, we opted for a pack n' play. At first, it was a bit hard for me to mentally adapt but I now see the wisdom in it. Plus it's really cute!

I have loved shopping for baby clothes in the market though it is a bit hotter and more time-consuming than swinging by Target. The cool part? I remember where I bought each item and what price I bargained for.

I also love that we aren't tempted to have all the latest gadgets...simply because they aren't available and it isn't worth getting them over here. Cambodians live very simply in this way and, I believe, there is something valuable to be learned there. Caleb will be clothed, fed, safe and loved.

Having the baby? We are headed to Thailand in just over a week. Wow! We considered having the baby here which would have been easier on so many levels but with my miscarriage last time I felt more comfortable with Bangkok. We have the same doctor I saw while there a little over a year ago. Ginny, one of our directors and friends, will be coming over to help for a few days which is wonderful. Who knows? Maybe we will stay in Cambodia for the next one. =)

A few challenges? They are pretty minor really. Feeling increasingly overwhelmed with my internal raging inferno. The smell of dog poop in the streets. Stairs. Navigating the market with a growing baby bump.

My fav baby item? The Moses basket. This is one thing that I dreamt about and was able to make a reality. I am so looking forward to bringing Caleb with me to Sak Saum, meetings, and Saang. I can't wait to use it!

My fav part of being pregnant in Cambodia? Our family here. We have felt so loved and cared for. We are so thankful we have a Cambodian and international community who can't wait to meet Caleb. I LOVE that our baby is most active in my womb when Khmai is being spoken. He seems to already love outreaches, church service, staff meetings, worship times. I am grateful to my tuk tuk driver friends who have taken extra care to drive slowly over bumpy roads and to Sak Saum for making this journey so special. We love walking through life with the IHSC and international staff. Certainly I get some attention as the white lady with the big belly who walks like a penguin but we are grateful to be here and wouldn't change it for the world!

I also want to give a big thank you to my husband who has listened to my constant dialogue of body changes, rubbed my swollen ankles, figured out ways to satisfy my cravings and overall been an incredible best friend. I love you.

With that said, enjoy a few pics that give a snapshot of our pregnancy.

From 10 - 36 weeks...

The Moses Basket!

Fun books, towels, toys and more...

Some home knit baby booties...

LOVE my Sak Saum baby bag (named Yun if anyone is interested in ordering one! Visit www.ihsionline.org/ssblog.)

See you in 4 weeks, Caleb!

My dad and I during his visit to Cambodia last year.

Quality Time: When I think about my dad as a little girl, I remember that he always had time for me. And he not only made time, he wanted the time -- big difference, I think! I loved going to his office during the summer for a father/daughter day. I would color and organize his paper clips (they were always a mess) while he met with authors both well-known and unknown. He always smelled like paper and Old Spice -- a combo which never fails to leave me nostalgic today.

Awkward Teenager: I, like most teenagers I suppose, wasn't always the easiest to be around. I was moody and battled low self-esteem. I had endless crushes on boys and easily hurt feelings. At a time when it seems easy for fathers to allow distance to creep in, my dad didn't. He asked questions and listened to my thoughts (rational and irrational). He laughed at my stories and empathized with my heartaches. He hugged me. He told me I was beautiful. In my own self-rejection, he embraced me.

Faithful Kindness: But perhaps the quality which has remained most influential is his faithfulness and kindness. People can be faithful and unkind or kind but unfaithful. But to remain both faithful and kind in the face of life's challenges is not so easy. Through my mom's battle with cancer, my dad served her faithfully AND with kindness. In the grief following her death, my dad walked with God, my brother and I faithfully AND with kindness. And in the messiness and beauty that is our new blended family, I see my dad choosing once again faithfulness and kindness.

I love my dad. I am thankful to God for him. And I honor him today as a wonderful father and friend. Happy Father's Day!

Enjoy a few pics of our family below starting with my dad, me and my newborn baby brother!

Reading time when my brother and I were young...

A Christmas card one year. Yes, we are strange sometimes. =)

And my brother, Dad and I on a more normal day.

So thankful my dad and husband love each other!

Last Friday, Noelle and I went out on a date and decided to shoot a few of her lovely bump. Noelle is such a beautiful pregnant lady, isn't she?

Enjoy!

And in the not knowing, I am discovering a fair bit of pride and independence. Truth is that I don't always like not knowing how to do something. In fact, I REALLY don't like it. When I was a little girl, I had a horrible bike accident while learning. I vowed (something we must be careful of) to never ride a bike again. Those words and the fear behind it remained strong enough to keep me off a bike for another 8 years. But one day I got tired of feeling embarrassed at not being able to ride bikes with the neighborhood kids. So early that Saturday morning I crept to our garage and found my 5 year old bike (I am sure I looked ridiculous!). I started in the garage, hands sweating and heart pounding. As my confidence grew, I moved to the driveway and finally to the street. When I took off down the road with my hair flying, the freedom I felt was exhilarating. I taught myself to ride a bike at 13 years old.

Now I find myself approaching a season of life that is fully uncharted. I have never done this before and sometimes I am scared. And it causes this internal wrestling to want to be independent. I can figure it out. I can do it on my own. I have had to learn other things this way...I can do this too. But this is not God's way. I know it's not. I probably could but He didn't set up life to be lived like that. Sure, I taught myself how to ride a bike but how much better would it have been to have the support, knowledge and encouragement of family and friends? A silly example? I don't think so. 

Life is full of bigger-than-us moments and situations. Are we going to muscle through in our own strength? Or fall into the arms of God, let down our walls, and allow ourselves to be seen and helped by Him and others? I know what I want to choose. I also know independence feels so much safer and so often wins the day.

Every day I get to be a part of Sak Saum and In His Steps -- a ministry birthed out of bigger-than-us situations and sustained and grown by the grace of God. It is a miracle of faith and dependence. That's what I want more of in my life, in my marriage, in my mothering -- the journey that says, "I can't. I won't even try on my own. But with YOU leading, I can and I will...one step at a time."